It seems like just yesterday i was hoping i would wake up with my hair magically looking awesome and school being delayed due to foggy day schedule! Now i hope i wake up to being completely done with school and knowing exactly what i am going to end up doing with my life. i look back and realize that slowly every day i am changing and growing. the kind of growth and change that isnt drastic.. and if you see yourself every day in the mirror it looks exactly the same. but its also the kind that if you havent seen someone since graduation, and you run into them at your reunion, you cant help but notice the change. with the way life has gone the last few months.. i found myself reflecting on the last year and realizing in how many ways changes have occurred in my life, and ultimately either helped or forced me to grow a bit
Some friends have been consistent. whether that means we talk every day or hang out each week is irrelevant. They are the ones you know at a drop of a hat would be there for you. they are the ones when your world falls apart are there to help you pick up the pieces. Some friends were seasonal. and the season we did life together was awesome. other friends helped be apart of me learning some lessons.. and i appreciate them for that reason.
i said goodbye to a few friends. not like ill book a plane ticket and come visit goodbye.. but like wait.. we arent even 25 yet and your life on this earth is done kind of goodbye. the hardest of them all was chris. the chris that made sacramento feel a lil more like home cause he was from fresno and played polo.. the chris that could make me laugh when i was stressed and about to lose it.. the chris that sat on his front porch with me more times than i can count and walked through hell and back with me... the chris that introduced me to Newcastle and told me it was the "classy beer". the chris that would drive us to shaver to see the stars when there were no words to make life better in the moment. the chris that taught me punching a truck when you were angry was a really bad choice.. the chris that showed me you could truly change when you let the Lord really have your heart. the chris that made me realize tomorrow really isnt promised.
then there was the moment i realized it was stupid to try and control your life. i cant. the saying has become etched in my brain "you cant choose your circumstances, but you can choose how you handle them". i definately havent always chosen to handle them the right way. no matter how much i think i know, or how many answers i can spew out.. sometimes i have made the really wrong choice. i learned that there is grace, but there are also consequences. it didnt click until recently that most of the time decisions i make also effect other people. when i mess up, it hurts others. when i choose sin... i choose to reject christ. thats not who i want to be.
i have become best friends with some of my family. particularly my cousin. she couldnt be more of a godsend in my life. my good days.. my bad days.. my hair did, make up on, and her clothes looking awesome on me days.. my face-forgot-im-not-in-jr-high-and-broke-out-in-zits days.. shes there. with arms wide open, and a plethora of diet cokes. she encourages me when im succeeding, and reminds me why i need to get back on the wagon when im struggling. ive learned what a person full of joy truly looks like. on her good days and bad days. shes there when i need to process.. and shares memories when i want to remember my mamma. she has taught me the kind of friend i want to be.
and there are the days i am confident my body hates me. but its a love hate relationship. it hates how much it loves the pain i put it through. the runs, the workouts, the best stress relief i have ever found.. its so good. and im learning how to love the journey of getting to my goals.
im learning that i still love kids. after all the time i spend with them... i still love them. alot. thats a relief. :)