i feel like its the moment you feel you finally have most of your crap together, that you are hit with a brick and realize you still have so much to learn. maybe i knew that there were feelings and emotions i had found a way to stuff so deeply in me that i could ignore even existed, or maybe i truly believed i was fine. i am chelsey.. i am a rock. i can control my emotions. you want to know what i have learned the last 2 years? especially the last month?
i am not in control.
i wish i was... i wish i could control how i felt, how other people responded, ect.... well.... i dont know if i really do. i would probably mess that up pretty good.... ya.. lets stick with me not being in control. so then i am realizing the only thing i can do is work on me. how i react, why do i feel the way i feel. o and i was just informed that its ok to not be tough. WHAT? you mean there are people that i can be totally safe with and feel broken in front of and they wont be overwhelmed and walk away? wow... my world is currently getting rocked.
i can count on one hand the amount of people that i have let see me truly broken. you know.. the kind where you sound like your from a different country whose language is chokes and snot? i dont like doing it often. im actually not a huge fan of the crying thing in general. i just figured out how to use mascara... and as soon as the tears hit i have now experienced the effects of water and mascara and your eyes. its a scary picture. anyways, the point is im learning sometimes its more healthy to scare the world with your racoon eyes than to continually stuff things so deep they effect everything, but you have no idea where the root even stems from. cause in the end you will probably scare more people with your pyscho-ness then with something a good face wash will clean up.
im also realizing that guilt can eat at a person more than anything. especially when there is nothing you can do to change it. maybe i wasnt the picture perfect daughter. lets be real. i was a brat sometimes. but i also loved. i loved my parents so deeply. i LOVE my parents so deeply. there was never a question about that. the more i learn to let go of something that i cant change... the more i can really truly remember the good.
one of the few phrases i can still audibly hear my mom say was... "yeaaa!" and she did it with a big smile and both arms outstretched. usually after a game (proud that i played.. no matter how bad i sucked or if i was lead scorer) or after i showed her a new song i had been practicing, or when she was so pumped/really proud of me. thats just it. she said it so much that i can still hear it. she was proud. she is proud. her biggest prayer/hope for me was that i would fall in love with my saviour. i am madly in love with him. He has become my rock... and i am striving to truly make him my everything. she would be beaming! i have her love for music, i can picture her face laying on the couch listening to me... proud. im not some epic failure of a daughter. i went through a phase. i thought i was all that. i thought i knew it all, and she didnt. i was so wrong. and i realized that. the coolest thing is that i got a taste of how sweet a friendship we could have. and for the time we had it, man... i learned a ton. a buttload of people were at her funeral. she touched a lot of lives. so she lives on. i can go try and find pieces of her in all of them.
i miss her. but i am learning what it means to celebrate her. truly celebrate.
i dont want to be a person with a bunch of crap stuffed deep inside. i want to be free.. i want to live life w/ a light heart and a huge genuine smile. i want to learn how to let people make me better by having an interaction w/ them... but not letting them wreck me when i feel i have failed their expectations. i am chelsey. i do have emotions, they arent stupid (3 weeks out of the month). i love christ with everything i am, i love people, and i am learning how to really trust people. i am not in control. and thats a good thing. and as stupid as it sounds, i am proud of myself. i am growing and changing as a person and i like it! i dont want to be the same girl today that i am tomorrow. life is short. i want to learn how to radiate christ more each day till my flesh is merely what keeps my bone structure intact. i want to be worthy of my mammas pride.
well that was more wordy than i intended when i started. but i am a processor, so i realized most o what i was thinking as i was writing it. welcome to my brain :)
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